i'm laughing coz i'm lying and you believe what i say to be true

Fold and bend

2009-11-16T10:10:36Z

I know I don't write anything substantial anymore; I cheat by posting lyrics. But I feel silly things most times and I don't think in thoughts anymore, but in songs. Today, it's a little sillier than usual, kinda makes me wish I thought real thoughts so I can do this right.

However, it doesn't seem like I've been doing anything right nowadays.

And the rain, it blows and it goes.

2009-11-16T09:07:17Z

"Walking up the hill tonight
and you have closed your eyes.
I wish I didn't have to make
all those mistakes and be wise.
Please try to be patient
and know that I'm still learning.
I'm sorry that you have to see
the strength inside me burning.

Where are you my angel now
don't you see me crying?
And I know that you can't do it all
but you can't say I'm not trying.
I'm on my knees in front of him
but he doesn't seem to see me.
But all his troubles on his mind
he's looking right through me.
And I'm letting myself down
beside this fire in you.
And I wish that you could see
I have my troubles too.

Looking at you sleeping
I'm with the man I love.
I'm sitting here weeping
while the hours pass so slow.
And I know that in the morning
I'll have to let you go.
And you'll be just a man
one I used to know
and for these past few days
someone I don't recognize.
This isn't all my fault
when will you realize?

Looking at you leaving, I'm looking for a sign."

The birth was quick but the death is slow

2009-10-18T15:11:21Z

"I don't know his name but Christ, can he fight
As I fell he told me you had a light
A light that shone inside you
'I found myself a decent man now
I love him because I can
The bravest that I've ever been
Was when I ran away from you.'

And so we disconnect
The room grows quiet around us
It's called the life effect
Will it always surround us?

And so we disconnect
The room grows quiet around us
Nothing left to protect
The end has finally found us

The day is almost over
It's almost time for bed
So now you've finally lost me
Rest your weary head."

I want to go swimming. Cold and clean. Like that one time.

No I'm not ready for hell, hell no, for hell, hell no

2009-10-13T15:00:54Z

Oh wow. So let's see:

I've started work. It is kinda good. I write for a while, I finish writing then I get bored. Lots and lots of office drama, kinda fun because I am never involved thus I get to spectate. Dress code is lovely because I get to wear whatever the fuck I want. Food's kinda bad but will try not to complain. I have my bb with me and she's depressed enough for the both of us, so I will remain rainbows and sunshine for her. bbcakes <3

Twitter's still stupid, I go on occasionally and think to myself "WHY?" because what in the hell is going on in my life that I have to constantly tweet to the public about? So far my tweets are written in caps complaining about people or squeeing about Glee/Tegan and Sara. There really is no reason for people to care. Azmir, you're a liar, I CAN live without Twitter.

I smoke less everyday. It's getting to that point where I don't need to smoke anymore, I just do it when I'm with friends or when I'm bored to tears at work. I am proud, because I bought my pack of smokes three days ago and it's still going strong.

And so far, jolly well. There are little gloomy spots here and there; eg RM13k in debt, boyfriend's timezones away, online boutiques are still alive, ugly people, you know stuff like that. Nevertheless, life goes on and I'm still awesome.

I know you feel it too
It all seems so untrue
When you get up and over it and over them.

bawlingsiren @ 2009-09-26T23:09:00

2009-09-26T15:16:40Z

No, not "baby" anymore
If I need you I'll just use your simple name
Only kisses on the cheek from now on
And in a little while
We'll only have to wave.

bawlingsiren @ 2009-09-18T20:41:00

2009-09-18T12:46:02Z

The cruise was awesome and Sweden was amazing, but all good things have to come to an end. Thus I'm back.

I eat, I watch Gilmore Girls and I crap a lot. Everyday. Like, 5 times a day on the shitter. It's ridiculous. The transition is taking its toll on me. My asshole is constantly on fire. Not a good feeling.

Besides the exciting update on my overexcited bowel movements, I basically have nothing to report on. Life in Malaysia is the same as usual; it is like I never left. Which doesn't suck, but the heat and humidity is quite the killahs. OMG THE FOOOOOOOOOD~ I get to eat anything and everything I want, I am spoiled maximus by the parentals. FISH CURRRYYYYY. Thinking of it makes me feel like dying, there is nothing better in this world. Of course, the constant shoving my face with spicy food and all things unhealthy is probably the cause of the severe diarrhea, but who cares!

I sleep a lot less now. Mostly I listen to Kimberly bitch on MSN about film noir as I wait for the Fin to come online. The time difference makes me want to cut someone. Of course when Fin shows up, he decides to watch True Blood -_- Life is grand, life is grand.

Was supposed to party tonight, but alas it was raining and the unwritten rule of the house is nobody goes out when it's raining, lest the car we're in skids on the slippery road and we all end up dying a horribly premature death. Of course, it has stopped raining for about a half hour now, but the roads are still wet innit? PFFT till next time.

LET'S GET SILLEH!

2009-08-31T09:42:45Z

Here's to more silly moments together. Happy anniversary <3

bawlingsiren @ 2009-08-27T06:19:00

2009-08-27T11:25:01Z

Everytime I watch Marie Antoinette, I just really really want to eat cake. Lots and lots of cake! Colorful ones! Pinks and purples! And I want to wear really big dresses and dainty shoes! With lace and satin and silk! Except I'm not really feeling the big wigs though.

Must stop watching TV.

bawlingsiren @ 2009-08-25T04:21:00

2009-08-25T09:39:22Z

I have a week left here in magical Finland. I am sad and curious at the same time. I don't know why curious because I know home will be the same as always, as it always have been. But it's been officially a year since I've left home - for the very first time, mind you - and there's always that little something at the back of your head suggesting that maybe things will be different. Different billboards, new restaurants, new electrical appliances at home, a different arrangement of furniture maybe - that sort of thing. It's the silly things like that I want to keep up with, if there is anything to keep up to speed at all. Because I know the real deal honestly, never really changes.

I want to bring so many things home with me! I want to bring Karo, the ginormous black Newfoundland Maria and Antti has who is the most adorable thing in the world. And Fin's Guitar Hero so I can actually attempt Expert. In fact I want to ship his entire apartment home with me - boyfriend inclusive - so I don't have to constantly be on MSN and Skype at odd hours to talk to him.

You think if I label all that shit as "Gift", I won't get taxed?

We have one more expedition to go for this weekend right before I leave for Malaysia and I'm left a little bittersweet about it. Bitter because obviously the fairytale ends there, sweet because who else gets to say they spent their one-year anniversary on a cruise to Stockholm?

I really want some Pyynikki donuts now. Time to brainwash the boyfriend into wanting some too!

bawlingsiren @ 2009-08-07T07:18:00

2009-08-07T12:20:04Z

I just saw a dude with headphones on text his friend.
I don't think that's a smart thing to do while you ride your bike.

In other news, there is nothing more confusing than watching Alvin and the Chipmunks dubbed.

Without you?

2009-08-03T12:02:49Z

Clothes nowadays are damn ugly.
That or I'm damn unfashionable.

The Finns are pretty low-key when it comes to dressing up; they don't go all ~hipster~ but they dress nice enough to look good. Fucken Latvians on the other hand, dress up like it's goddamn Fashion Week everyday. I look down at my torn up jeans and flip flops and hide my face, even boyfriend is ashamed of walking around with me.

I am fucking afraid of going back home just to be attacked by poseurs. Electric blue tights or neon green shorts? Fuck it, let's do both! I'll get more attention! I'll be cool! I'm a hipster! I love Lapsap! I'll wear geek-cool glasses even though I don't have a prescription!

If you can pull it off well, I won't hate I swear. If you're born to rock silly clothes, then hell do it. BUT OMG 90% OF YOU FUCKERS DON'T, SO CAN YOU PLEASE STOP PRETENDING? It's damn ugly for one, and second you look ridiculous - not cool ridiculous like you're trying to be either. The you-should-get-shot-for-trying-too-damn-hard sort of ridiculous.

Ok enough whining. I've been in Finland for a full month now and I've seen so much it's crazy. Europe is so pretty it makes me cry thinking of going back home. Boyfriend is behaving very well too, I want to put him in a box and bring him home with me. Everything's going great, but I'm sure things will fuck up on me badly back home, because nothing good lasts forever. So I'm going to damn well enjoy my time here, for as long as I can drag it.

bawlingsiren @ 2009-07-17T06:50:00

2009-07-17T11:55:45Z

Won't lie, the Asian supermarket in Finland is so much better than the one in Minneapolis. I can't wait to start cooking heahehaehhae.

But OMG I need to pack, but damn lazy. I'm hoping Latvia has like, a boatload of cheap shit so I don't have to bring a lot. At least, make the cigarettes cheap please? The Fin's all excited like a little boy about the trip - I suppose it's fair if all you do is work. I on the other hand, I'm on vacation on my holiday.

Fuck packing actually, I'm going to cook first. I'm more excited about Asian food.

And all of this was all your fault

2009-07-15T12:20:29Z

bawlingsiren @ 2009-07-07T07:06:00

2009-07-07T12:22:58Z

I'm in Northern Europe!

Helsinki is so damn pretty, it's more quaint than American cities which is a major plus. Goddamn seagulls are monsters though, every time they swoop down on me I think I'm going to lose my head. Meet the parentals on Sunday for lunch, and if that was not the most awkward situation ever, I don't know what is. I'm usually a champion when it comes to winning parents over, but when there is a language barrier involved, there's really not much to do but smile and look pretty. They're very sweet though, kept showing me goofy photos of little Fin and the dog. I think they like me, but a Finnish smile could mean something completely different, so I'll see how this unfolds in the next couple of months.

I also had my first real sauna. Ladies and gentleman, you are not strong until you've sat through a real Finnish sauna. It is crazy and it damn near made me cry. I thought I was hardcore having lived in Malaysia for so long, but turns out I am anything but.

All in all, it's been sweet. The boyfriend pampers me, and it is super fun saying my hellos and thank yous in a completely different language.

bawlingsiren @ 2009-06-30T16:37:00

2009-06-30T21:38:30Z

Ok I'll make this quick, I think Demi Lovato is damn pretty. Selene Gomez on the other hand, doesn't even look like a real person. Miley Cyrus should gtfo.

/end

Nobody likes to, but I really like to cry

2009-06-29T19:50:02Z

And so.

I'm having a boatload of problems with the school, so much it makes me want to upchuck. However, I choose to ignore it at least for a couple more days because I cannot do this now. I'm supposed to be relaxing and having a good time with Aaron, it's not fair to either one of us. So I will be the bigger person and ignore it. It really has been 5 goddamn years since I've had a good vacation.

I'm in Eau Claire again, but possibly for the last time. It's been kinda fun, I'm living with like, 126537216 other boys in the house so it's a cockfest everyday. They're all away at work now, so I'm just chilling by myself. I leave for the airport on Thursday where I'll be flying to Finland to visit the boyfriend. And then hopefully I won't have to be back in the USA (at least for undergrad) any-fucking-more.

I'm so glad I came to Eau Claire before flying off. I started off here, so it only seems right I finish here. Plus it's cool. The boys have their own naked fat guy neighbor and it fascinates me so much.

I will leave the sentiments for later. I just really want to stay happycakes for now.

bawlingsiren @ 2009-05-29T00:19:00

2009-05-29T05:32:39Z

OMG Glee is set to be one of my new favorite shows. Cannot wait ok, how can this shit only be aired in Fall? Fuckers, damn emo. And plus I'm fucking bored. All I do is gnaw on Japanese rice crackers, giant chocolate chip cookies and cigarettes. I want to die. The first summer session ends tomorrow. My god, 9 credits in 2 and a half weeks. Fucking overkill. But of course, because I am a champion, I can do it.

OK la I'm going to try on my new dress again because it's KNN fucking cute. I love America. Bye.

/end unnecessary post.

bawlingsiren @ 2009-05-26T16:40:00

2009-05-26T22:02:58Z

Alright motherfuckers, check it:
http://ring-apartment.blogspot.com
http://www.hometoomuch.com

Thank you.

Oh and if I have to edit one more video today about anything at all, I will fucking upchuck all the cookies I just had (which comes up to a grand total of two, but they were the size of my goddamn face ok) and choke myself with a camera cable. KNN can die.

Everybody just wants to fall in love~

2009-05-24T05:07:32Z

OK, quick update.

Summer school sucks, I'm bored all the time, I need to wash my sheets, I need to clean my room, I pray I have enough space in my luggage to keep all my shit, it's been two weeks since Iris, Andy, Moldavians and Fin left me here in Bemidji to fend for myself, I am lonely as fuck, I wish I had more money, I need more mouthwash, I want more dresses, I haven't had a drink in 2 weeks, I have all my plane tickets booked and paid for aaaaaand I am so goddamn excited to visit Europe =)

bawlingsiren @ 2009-04-13T21:27:00

2009-04-14T03:30:54Z

I haven't been doing this in a while, it almost feels like I forgot how to.

Psyche!

Anyway, the semester's almost up and I have huge ass projects lined up this week, thus it is only right I get sick on the Monday of the week I have to run down to the cities to present my senior thesis only to run back up the very next morning to sing silly songs and dance silly dances for Festival of Nations.

I want to die.

Fin arrives in 11 days though =) At least I know I can't get sick then, if I'm already sick now. Then I can at least have some real fun, if ya know what I mean.

Ok la that's it, I've got work to do. Bye.

Be still my heart, for the answer is here.

2009-03-24T23:40:16Z

http://gobon.wordpress.com/
http://www.myobon.com/

Come on kiddies, don't let momma down. I love you all.

bawlingsiren @ 2009-03-18T15:59:00

2009-03-18T21:59:04Z

It's all quite amusing how bitter some people can still be. I do not by any means dare say I am very adult (I wear pink boots for crying out loud), but hey I think I can restrain myself from reliving unnecessary high school drama. I remember it being very tiring to deal, but it really is something to giggle about now. I just feel like I have several more important things to deal with, `tis all.

bawlingsiren @ 2009-03-18T02:26:00

2009-03-18T07:46:30Z

Apparently I get done in June instead of December.

*dances*

This shit is crazy ok, I only have 8 more credits and all I have to do is attend summer school and I officially have a degree. LIKE GODDAMN IT FEELS LIKE I'VE BEEN AT IT FOR AGES OK. It's nuts, I am over the moon.

Only problem is, where I go next. I'm definitely going back home this year, but I want to see my boyfriend. Ive turned into one of those loser girls who sit in front of her computer 5 hours a day, Skype-ing her boyfriend. I realize I lose a lot of street cred saying this but fuck it, I miss my Fin crazycakes. And given a chance to stay in goddamn Europe for free, who the fuck would pass that up? If you do, you are clinically unstable and do not deserve the right to live.

HOW DO I TELL THE PARENTALS? I do not know. All I know is, I get done soon and I get to binge on as much fatty, dirty, OVERWHELMINGLY DELECTABLE MALAYSIAN FOOD SO FUCK THE WORLD I'm quite fucking happy. All I need now is a green light for Finland and a little bit more money for like, vain shit like that kitty beanie and cupcake scarf from that website I blocked from my computer (because I know if I stared any longer, I would not be able to resist). Then again it's not like I'll use any of that in Malaysia because a) it's only cool if worn in WhiteMan country (otherwise, it's damn jeng) and b) it's fucking hot there, why would I fucking need a beanie and a scarf in the first place.

Oh and I'll be with you, running through the rain

2009-03-02T22:43:29Z

Busy busy busy. Lots of work. Articles to write, research for stories, videos to edit. Amidst the havoc though, I of course will forever have time for my new friend John. He's blue and small. Produces big results. I like. Now, can somebody give me $150 so I can buy Tom? John's cool and shit, but triple orgasms sound like too much fun too miss.

I can't forget what you've forgotten

2009-02-24T20:46:04Z

Azmir is lovely, and so am I.

10, 9, 8 and I'm breaking away
I'm all dressed up and ready to play
7, 6, 5, 4 and I'm all over you
Counting 3, 2, 1 and I'm having fun